"You've got to grab that little bull by the horns..."

I received a wonderful compliment the other day. 

"I really admire your parenting style."

Me: "*snort* You mean cluelessness with a side of winging-it?" 

I can't help it, that's how I respond to any and all sorts of compliments. That part of my personality still hasn't matured yet, I guess. 

Anyhow, despite uttering a strange little bemusement and brushing it aside, I was incredibly touched. 

On the outside my parenting style, fueled by love and caffeine, may seem relaxed, firm when needed, and fun-loving. But the truth is, I fight my own inner authoritarian parent on a daily basis. This relaxed façade is covering a deeply rooted need to control my daughter's every move in order to squeeze her into the mold I have already picked out as the little person I want her to be. I fight the urge to correct her every little misstep and mistake. I fight the urge to make her do things my way. I have to. Or life would be miserable, and our home would be nothing but a constant battleground. I love my daughter so much, why would I want to be constantly fighting with her? You see, I have a strong-willed child... 

I feel like that's something that could be stated in a group therapy session.

"Hello, my name is Hollie..."

"Hi, Hollie!"

"...And I have a strong-willed child." 

Some people may think that saying one has a strong-willed child is just a way to make an excuse for bad behavior and/or poor parenting. Those people, who do exist- trust me, must either 

A.) Not have kids 

B.) Not have strong-willed kids or

C.) Be in complete denial

I feel like when you have a strong-willed child, you can make one of two choices... You can either have a never-ending battle of wills until one of you breaks, or you can let go of the insignificant things that don't matter, and search for compromise wherever it can be found. 

That being said, I have to fight myself every day to choose the latter. I am unyielding on manners, and I am unyielding on being hurtful to others. But everything else, Emma and I navigate together, with me doing my best to guide her. 

Of course, I have to put my foot down frequently because, let's face it, toddlers are crazy. There is no compromise when it comes to throwing toys at her brother. There is no compromise when it comes to base-jumping from the changing table. But I can compromise on a lot more than she can. She can brush her teeth however she wants, as long as she lets me give them a good cleaning too. She can dump all of her crayons out of the box, as long as she puts them all back when she's done. If she refuses to wear a shirt, I let it go if we're just hanging at home anyway. I often have to meet her halfway. Of course it annoys me that she has to dump all the crayons out, but I'm not willing to fight over something so unimportant. Because it would be a fight. 

That's the thing about strong-willed children, toddlers especially; they're power-mad. At the first sign of losing control, a battle ensues. And I hold the ultimate power. I have the high ground. I can choose to engage in battle (which happens from time to time, believe me) or I can choose to let go of MY little hang-ups, and diffuse the situation with some carefully worded guidance or, my favorite tactic, distraction and redirection.

This does not mean my daughter gets away with doing whatever she wants because I don't want to deal with her. This means I choose not to spend every hour of our lives fighting, by setting strong boundaries and limits, and letting her have the independence and decision making she craves, within reason. 

It's hard. It's SO. HARD. Two years on this crazy train and I still get it wrong a lot. I pick the wrong battles and we both end up in tears. And I worry constantly. I worry that I'm not applying enough discipline. I worry I'm applying too much discipline and she hates me. I worry she won't respect me. I worry about battles yet to come. And worst of all, I worry about what other people think. That's why it was such a huge compliment for me when someone else commended my parenting. Parents of strong-willed children, we need support. We need judgement-free zones and understanding friends. It helps to have a mother who also raised (successfully, even?) a strong-willed child ;). We need to be told we're doing a good job by fighting the good fights and letting everything else go. 

Perhaps parents of mild-tempered children have the same struggles and worries (I honestly don't know!) but when Emma and I are in the heat of battle I find myself thinking "Parents of easy-going children must have so much fun all the time... this sucks!" And then comes the never ending guilt from thinking it. Because I would not change Emma's intense, strong personality and tendencies for anything in the world. They will serve her well one day. 

I've been told, "You've gotta grab that little bull by the horns!" And that is correct, I do. But my job is to steer her, not dominate her. 

It will get easier as her communication improves, it will get easier as she observes me applying the same rules and restrictions to her brother, and it will get harder when hormones come into play. 

So, for now, I'm grabbing this little bull by the horns, and hanging on for dear life.