Every time I've been asked this question, I'm left fuming about it for days.
Person: "Did your husband ask your father's permission before he proposed?"
Me: "Umm... no."
Person: "Why not?"
Me: "Why would he?"
Person: "Because it's tradition. And it shows respect."
Me: *walks away*
I'm left dumbfounded. Seriously. How does this still exist? How is it still so commonly expected that a grown woman's opinion and decision-making skills be damned and left completely to her significant other and her father? It makes me sick that we live in a society that still reduces a woman to an object of ownership, and that agreement of ownership is stripped from said woman in the name of "tradition" or "respect".
"It's tradition." Let me stop you right there. It also used to be tradition to duel to the death over petty disagreements. Chinese foot binding. Human sacrifice. Need I go on? Can we all agree that there are many traditions better off left dead and buried? I believe this to be one of them. This tradition is based off a time when a woman was considered nothing more than property. She was the property of her father until she married, and then she became the property of her husband (a whole other issue, that still has a sickening presence in our current society). A man used to barter with a woman's father for either the right or the obligation to marry her. The men had the opportunity to demand money, land, goats, etc. or whatever they thought the woman was worth. Men of low class hoped to marry their daughters off to wealthy men of higher social class, and a man wanting to marry a woman of higher class than he had to offer her father money, land, livestock, etc. Still think this tradition is so sweet and important?
"It shows respect." Please. Respect to whom, exactly? Because you're sure as hell not showing a woman any respect by asking her father's permission to marry her. In fact, just the opposite. This "sign of respect" tells her that she is property. She is owned by her father, and the decision to leave his possession is not up to her. She is not worthy of making that decision for herself. Yes, some argue that in today's world after getting permission from her father she could still refuse to marry said man, or if her father says "No" they can still get married anyway, but my point is that this "sign of respect" is deeply rooted in a past where women had no respect and no rights whatsoever. You could maybe argue that it shows respect to her parents as they are the ones who fed her, clothed her, raised her etc. But does that give parents permission to govern the lives of their daughters (just daughters, this does not happen to sons) well into adulthood? As far as I'm concerned, legally and figuratively, my life became my own the minute I turned 18. No disrespect to my parents (honestly, I'm sure they would agree).
Some people say they want their parents' blessing to marry. I get that. Usually that entails a couple going together to both sets of parents and expressing their desire to marry, and asking for mom and dad's blessing. This isn't exactly what I'm talking about, because in that situation there is mutual respect. What I am talking about is the fact that only women seem to be the ones who need permission from their father (or parents) to marry. Why don't men? Why doesn't a girl, a grown woman, have to go to her boyfriend's parents and ask permission? It just doesn't happen. And again I come back to the history. The reason is, women used to not have rights.
Luckily, I was raised by parents who never once even suggested to me the notion that women are inferior to men. I was raised to believe that idea that "the man is the head of the house" is absolute bullshit. Marriage is and was always to me an equal partnership, in example by my parents and in my own marriage. Man or woman, we are humans, and that makes us equal. I get that some people choose to still model the hierarchy of their homes in this way due to religion. I'm not going to contest that, even though I believe differently. I don't seek to make everyone believe what I believe. My only point in sharing this opinion is to perhaps present the idea that this "tradition" and "sign of respect" could be very damaging. Think of the fact that you are teaching your daughter that she is unworthy of choosing her own partner in life without permission from her father (or parents). That she is your property. That you don't respect her opinion and you don't trust her to make important decisions about her life. You are teaching your son that he has the right to make decisions regarding his girlfriend's future with her father, instead of her. That he does not have to respect his wife as an equal. It plants in his mind the idea that she is owned by her father and that ownership will then be transferred to him. Danger. Warning. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200.
But, I digress..
If someday a young person comes to Landon, or both of us, asking permission to marry Emma, I can tell you full well already what OUR response will be: "Why would you ask us? The fact that you're asking us tells us that you don't know our daughter at all." For if we have done our job right in raising her, if she chooses to marry, that decision will belong to her and her partner, and no one else. To anyone expecting my son to ask permission from his significant other's parents to marry, sorry- we're raising him to respect his partner as just that- a partner. Equal, and capable of making decisions without parental oversight.
To anyone who felt the need to ask a girl's parent's permission to marry, I get it. I don't think you're ignorant. I get that there can be expectations and pressure to uphold this tradition. I get that your girlfriend said "You have to ask my dad's permission first." My point in this is not to condemn anyone. My point is- take a minute to closely examine what you are doing, the meaning behind it, and consider differently when it comes to yourself and your children. Take a moment to closely examine why you feel the need to be asked "for your daughter's hand".
Please. I beg of you, raise your daughters to expect equality and respect. Please raise your sons to expect the same. Teach your children to govern their own lives by making smart decisions, and then in adulthood, trust them to do it.
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