Shit Parents Actually Say [Vol. 1]

A compilation of just some of the things that come out of my mouth and it's not until later I realize their ridiculousness. 

Here goes...

"Honey, it's not scary. It's a puddle. Stop screaming."

"Where have all the sippy cups gone, freaking Narnia?!" 

"I'm sorry your butt hurts, but no, I'm not going to kiss it." 

"No, my dear, Daniel Tiger isn't on today. In fact, I think he's gone on vacation all week! Oh well. Too bad."

"Actually I don't want my eyelashes combed, thanks." 

"No one colored on my belly, sweetheart. Those are called stretch marks. But I do consider them your first work of art."

"I'm going to need you to stop chewing on the bathtub."